Monday, April 16, 2007
Making A Baby--A funny!
MAKING A BABY...
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the> bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."
"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"
"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the> bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"
"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."
"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."
"Tripod?"
"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
Mrs. Smith fainted.........
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Tagged
Okay, Jan tagged me again, so I'll answer again. : )
4 THINGS ABOUT ME.
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Emergency Dispatcher
2. Aerobics Instructor
3. Nanny
4. Christian Day School Teacher
Four places I have lived:
1. C, Alabama
2. Birmingham, Alabama
3. Houston, Texas
4. Conroe, Texas
Four Places you have been on vacation:
1. Bolivar Peninsula, Texas
2. Gulf Shores, Alabama
3. Nashville, Tennessee
4. Mobile, Alabama
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. Cheesecake
3. New York Strip, cooked medium rare
4. Shrimp! (Scampi, grilled, fried, steamed, you name it!)
Four places you would rather be right now:
1. Anywhere with my husband and all 3 kids
2. On a sunny, warm beach
3. Shopping in a mall with unlimited funds
4. Red Lobster with the meal paid for, and the calories not counting
Tag, you are it!
4 THINGS ABOUT ME.
Four jobs I have had in my life:
1. Emergency Dispatcher
2. Aerobics Instructor
3. Nanny
4. Christian Day School Teacher
Four places I have lived:
1. C, Alabama
2. Birmingham, Alabama
3. Houston, Texas
4. Conroe, Texas
Four Places you have been on vacation:
1. Bolivar Peninsula, Texas
2. Gulf Shores, Alabama
3. Nashville, Tennessee
4. Mobile, Alabama
Four of my favorite foods:
1. Chocolate
2. Cheesecake
3. New York Strip, cooked medium rare
4. Shrimp! (Scampi, grilled, fried, steamed, you name it!)
Four places you would rather be right now:
1. Anywhere with my husband and all 3 kids
2. On a sunny, warm beach
3. Shopping in a mall with unlimited funds
4. Red Lobster with the meal paid for, and the calories not counting
Tag, you are it!
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Back from SELTC
I actually have been kinda busy. Since the PD sent me for that APCO trainer's certification, now that I'm back, I'm actually training 4 people at the same time. Also, we just got back from our yearly trip to Mobile for Daniel's SELTC competition. He got:
Gold in public speaking
Silver in song leading
Bronze with his Bible Bowl team
Bronze individual score in Bible Bowl
Gold in Bible Drama
Gold in video Bible Drama
Gold in puppets
Gold in public Bible reading challenge
Naturally we are VERY proud! And next year, Madeline will be old enough to compete, too! The trip itself was quite challenging. It's a 4.5 hour trip from here to Mobile, and one hour further to Gulf Shores (the beach). The night before our trip, as I was packing, Daniel kept saying he didn't feel well. I chalked it up to him being sleepy and sent him to bed. The next day, he was fine, but Madeline threw up all the way to the beach! No fun. Once we got to the beach she was fine, so we thought she was just carsick. Nope. She threw up all the way to Mobile from the beach. Then, as we get to the hotel and are unpacking, I discover that John has left our hanging bag (with hang-up clothes in it) at home! So, there I stand in my swim suit, t-shirt and jogging pants--not-so-fresh from the beach! Blessedly Madeline & Malachi had all their clothes in suitcases. So, I had to go downstairs to the expensive boutique and try to find us some clothes! I find us some, get showered and changed, and as we sit down in the Bible Bowl room, all of a sudden, I'M sick! And Madeline is sick AGAIN! So, Maddie & I go upstairs, get Sprites, get into our pajamas and crawl into the bed to watch TV. Poor Madeline said in this tiny, pitiful voice, "I feel terrible." On Saturday, she and I felt better. As I'm getting dressed, John knocks coffee over onto my new white shirt (keep in mind, this is the new one from the expensive boutique, that I have yet to wear). So, I wore the same t-shirt as I had worn the night before. We tried to hand wash the white shirt right away, but apparently that was SOME kind of dye-worthy coffee! Most of Saturday went okay until Saturday night. We went out to the Original Oyster House with the rest of the church group. It was good! But as we're leaving, you guessed it--KAI got sick all over himself, his daddy and me! UGH! Sunday morning, I woke up with the worst heartburn I've had in my LIFE! I think it must have scorched my esophagus, because by the time I had some coffee later, it hurt going down. Well, Sunday as we're driving home, guess what? MALACHI throws up all the way home! And of course he has no clean clothes yet, so we had to stop at Walmart and get him something to wear (and scrub out the car thoroughly!) It really was one huge adventurous weekend! And my esophagus is still really uncomfortable (whatever that was about!). If you read all this, you're an angel, but that is where I have been!
Daniel & some of the youth group
Gold in public speaking
Silver in song leading
Bronze with his Bible Bowl team
Bronze individual score in Bible Bowl
Gold in Bible Drama
Gold in video Bible Drama
Gold in puppets
Gold in public Bible reading challenge
Naturally we are VERY proud! And next year, Madeline will be old enough to compete, too! The trip itself was quite challenging. It's a 4.5 hour trip from here to Mobile, and one hour further to Gulf Shores (the beach). The night before our trip, as I was packing, Daniel kept saying he didn't feel well. I chalked it up to him being sleepy and sent him to bed. The next day, he was fine, but Madeline threw up all the way to the beach! No fun. Once we got to the beach she was fine, so we thought she was just carsick. Nope. She threw up all the way to Mobile from the beach. Then, as we get to the hotel and are unpacking, I discover that John has left our hanging bag (with hang-up clothes in it) at home! So, there I stand in my swim suit, t-shirt and jogging pants--not-so-fresh from the beach! Blessedly Madeline & Malachi had all their clothes in suitcases. So, I had to go downstairs to the expensive boutique and try to find us some clothes! I find us some, get showered and changed, and as we sit down in the Bible Bowl room, all of a sudden, I'M sick! And Madeline is sick AGAIN! So, Maddie & I go upstairs, get Sprites, get into our pajamas and crawl into the bed to watch TV. Poor Madeline said in this tiny, pitiful voice, "I feel terrible." On Saturday, she and I felt better. As I'm getting dressed, John knocks coffee over onto my new white shirt (keep in mind, this is the new one from the expensive boutique, that I have yet to wear). So, I wore the same t-shirt as I had worn the night before. We tried to hand wash the white shirt right away, but apparently that was SOME kind of dye-worthy coffee! Most of Saturday went okay until Saturday night. We went out to the Original Oyster House with the rest of the church group. It was good! But as we're leaving, you guessed it--KAI got sick all over himself, his daddy and me! UGH! Sunday morning, I woke up with the worst heartburn I've had in my LIFE! I think it must have scorched my esophagus, because by the time I had some coffee later, it hurt going down. Well, Sunday as we're driving home, guess what? MALACHI throws up all the way home! And of course he has no clean clothes yet, so we had to stop at Walmart and get him something to wear (and scrub out the car thoroughly!) It really was one huge adventurous weekend! And my esophagus is still really uncomfortable (whatever that was about!). If you read all this, you're an angel, but that is where I have been!
Me & my boys. : )
Two friends and Madeline
Daniel & some of the youth group
Malachi burying himself. 
Malachi & Daniel
The youth group and Daniel
Daniel as "The Tin Man" in Bible Drama
Burying Daniel : )
Daniel in chorus
