Friday, January 28, 2005

Friday, the 28th of January, 2005 / 8:37pm

Well, here I am again. Whoa boy, am I tired! I worked last night from 6pm to 6am, and I had only gotten about 3 hours of sleep the day before. And I had missed my M.O.M.S. (Making Our Mothering Significant) meeting last Friday (because I didn't know that the day was Friday already--LOL). And I really miss those meetings when I don't get to go. Those ladies really seem to be striving toward the same Goal I am. In any case, I was going today! And as usual, I was SO glad I did. We're reading the book, Lies Women Believe and the Truth That Sets Them Free. What a good book it has turned out to be. I have really learned quite a bit from reading it. Today's lies were "I can't control my emotions", "I can't help how I respond when my hormones are out of whack (It's understandable to act like a shrew at certain times)", and "The answer to depression must first be sought out in medication and/or psychotherapy". That last one was the one that we talked about the most. Most of the women in the class had suffered from depression at one time or another. LOL--and I never told anyone when I was suffering and taking Zoloft, because I was worried about how people would view that. And we talked about that. Because so many people think like I used to--that these sad people should just snap out of it! Pull themselves up by their bootstraps, so to speak--and most of them really are unable to do so without help. I was concerned at first about the title, because it sounded to me like the author thought that to seek out professional help was not the thing to do, but that's not so. She just says that our first response should be to go to God with it. That sometimes, depression is caused by illness in the heart--unresolved conflict, guilt, bitterness, unforgiveness, claiming of rights, anger, and self-centeredness. And that if this is the case, medication will likely not do much good without first resolving the root issues. That medication helps you see things more clearly, and not colored with the depression (i.e. hypersensitivity--my problem) so that you with God's help can actually solve the problem. Sometimes the depression really is a chemical problem. But also, the whole person can be affected by these root issues--so maybe the root issues are causing the chemical problem? Something to contemplate. But so many of the women had different stories to tell. J's problem started when her mother died when J was only 24. She really struggled with the depression, and didn't want to read the Bible--didn't want to go to church. She said she found herself in church hoping that her toddler would act up so she would have to take him out. But she said one day (and she could remember the very moment that God spoke to her in church), they were singing the song, "Faithfulness". She said God spoke to her through that song and told her, "Child, I know you're suffering, but what I need from you is faithfulness. That's all." And J said that it wasn't a sudden rising from the mire, rather a journey out. But that was the moment when she began to climb out. And she still has days that she can feel the mire trying to pull her back in, and she has to work to keep climbing out. And D was telling us a really good story about her post-partum depression, but I can't for the life of me remember what exactly was the verse that God spoke to her from. OH! I wish I could remember! I'll have to ask her, because it was a jewel! But all the struggles that the ladies spoke of, I could remember so well. (shudder) I remember how much of a struggle it was to get myself to leave my home just even for an hour or so. I didn't want to go to church, I didn't want to be around my family (because I always got my feelings hurt due to my own hypersensitivity), but the biggest thing I remember was not wanting to go out, because I would have to smile at people--and OH! I really didn't want to! And isn't that awful? If there is anything that is more a part of me than smiling, I don't know what it is. I LOVE to smile and laugh. But that's how deep the mire was. Oh, I'm so glad that I don't feel like that today! And I don't have to take the Zoloft that helped me gain so much weight and be so tired all the time! I still struggle with the feelings once in awhile, but for the most part, I can shake them off.

LOL--well I just preached a sermon, didn't I? Not my intention, be assured. I just get talking (or typing as the case may be), and take off! But anyway, I picked up Malachi from the nursery, and guess what? He had already had his morning nap! OH--I wanted to wail! I was so tired, and wanted nothing more than to curl up with Malachi and take a nice nap--especially since it was nice and overcast outside. I got home and thought I would try it out for a bit. Malachi squirmed, he giggled, he talked, he pinched! What he did NOT do was to fall asleep! So, we played for a little while. He really did look sleepy, so I put him in his bed. He was not happy to be there (but he never is--he thinks he belongs in MY bed!), but I went and laid down in my bed where he could see me. Soon, he was asleep, and so was I. Then, I woke up an hour later--I WAS LATE TO PICK THE KIDS UP!!! The alarm clock was merrily beeping away loudly, as I assume it had been doing for A HALF HOUR!!! I couldn't believe it! I never oversleep! But I guess I was so tired that I never even heard the silly alarm. I jumped out of bed, snatched up a peacefully sleeping Malachi, strapped him in his seat in the car and took off! I was so full of adrenaline, that I don't think I felt my legs for about 4 blocks! I felt so bad when I went to pick my little Maddie up from school, and she looked so sad sitting in the hallway with the other left behind kids. Her little face just lit up when she saw me, and she jumped up and ran into my arms. I felt this small. And when I picked Daniel up, he had that pained, worried look on his face. He got in the car and said, "Where were you! I called the house and your cell phone. Why didn't you answer?" Here I was this small again. I had been in such a panic to go get the kids when I woke up, that I had left the cell phone at home. But everyone is home safe now. John has his toolbox carefully delivered to his new job (thank you, Corporal Moody for the loan of your truck!), and he's ready to start his new job Monday.

In the meantime, I have the weekend off and so does the rest of my family, so we can all be together! I'm so excited! With Malachi's surgery and NCIC school, my schedule was all twisted around, and I haven't had a weekend off with my family in I-don't-know-when! Tomorrow, we're going to have a celebration dinner to celebrate John's new job! We're so excited! It will be so nice to get caught up on the bills, build our savings back up, and be able to buy our kids clothes when they need them. Thank You, God!

Good night blog. I'm too sleepy to continue to make sense any longer . . .

like tumbler and tipsy days hopefully we will remain in high spirits. well, good day
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